I almost learned beeing alone as comfortable as with friends. I don’t create connections with people whose faults look to me bigger that their merits. I never take the first step unless I am sure that I’ll get what I want. I never start a conversation if that’s not necessary. I accept either nothing, or everything, but no failures! I am still deep into my psychological sh*t. I am afraid to look weak or a loser.
Yesterday I was counting airplanes and satellites in Club der Visionäre when I got hungry and decided to buy a pizza. I started eating it with beer and saw a girl sitting in front who turned to me when she smelled the food and felt hunger. She suggested her friends to order a pizza too, but they refused to do that. I could share mine, because it would be enough for me. But I was too shy to start talking to her. Neither my German, nor English is perfect. But I was sure, she would really like the offer. “If she turns to me once again until I count to 60, I will suggest her a piece”, I thought. One, two, three… Twenty four… She stood up, turned to me and looked for a second. Should I be a bourgeois or a socialist? She was about to leave with her friends. Should I offer her a piece of pizza!? She was moving away. I didn’t suggest it… FAIL! I stayed a bourgeois. The one who had a solid meal doesn’t care about the hungry one.
I remembered the words of a 40-year-old fellow passenger in a train going from Klaipėda to Vilnius:
No matter how much you achieve in your life, the most important thing is not to get puffed and stay sincere.
Maybe someday…
Tags: lifestyle, philosophy
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